If It Wasn’t for Bad Luck

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.” I heard this all too many times from my father growing up. Every time something would go wrong or he would miss out on an opportunity he would shake his head and repeat this very phrase with disgust.

My family has always said that it’s the Paulsen curse. If your last name is Paulsen you can guarantee that there will be random bad things that will happen and there’s nothing that you, being a Paulsen, can do about it.

Now, that I am an adult — shut up! — I hear myself repeating this with the same frequency and disgust that my father had. As I was going through my testing and diagnosis with my disorder, I repeated with regularity, “if there’s a one in a million chance of something happening or going wrong,. I will be the one.”

The odds of things going wrong or the chance of me catching the disease that is one in a quadrillion are unfathomable, but if there is a chance, oh, oh, oh, Pick Me! Pick Me! I would give anything to have these kinds of odds in Vegas. I would be a millionaire in minutes; I just need to bet against myself and watch the money roll in. But as the title says, if it wasn’t for bad luck… even in Vegas, knowing that my odds are huge that I can’t win, I’d still lose.

I watch with great despair as my son and his wife fall into the same rut of bad luck as I had my whole life. However, my daughter, who had the same trouble, has now acquired a new last name and her life drastically changed. Her husband teases relentlessly about the Paulsen curse and how he saved her from a life of constant sorrow.

So as a new testament of the disaster that is my life, I was once again reminded of that all too familiar phrase. I visited my doctor for my annual testing and follow-up on my disease.

This year, however, I also needed to have allergy testing done. I have lived for 45 years of my life with only mild allergies and very infrequently at that.

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

Recently, I have become severely allergic to foods and other various inhalants — I huff paint in my spare time — actually like pollen and molds.

In this process, I developed some chronic sinus issues and was having difficulty breathing. I visited a specialist and was informed that because of the harshness of the sinus issues, I had developed a “horrendous staph infection” (Doctors own words) that would require surgery to alleviate the issues.

The surgery has been done millions of times and the surgeon doing my surgery has performed more than either of us wish to count. It’s routine, safe and effective.

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

After the surgery, I felt much better and believed that things were looking up — NOPE! The odds of the infection spreading and becoming worse after the surgery are so minuscule that no one has an accurate number.

My surgeon told me that in his 20 plus years of doing this surgery he has NEVER, let me repeat that, NEVER seen anything go awry, there has always been a complete recovery and in most cases two to three days.

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

Two days later I was in the hospital with a complete systemic infection. A one in a butt-load chance that the infection would spread throughout my body, but like ‘The Price is Right,’ “Shawn Paulsen, come on down. You are the next contestant on if it can go wrong it will be you.”

 After I.V. antibiotics and hours in the hospital, I returned to the surgeon's office. The decision was made to repeat the surgery only this time, instead of just manipulating the tissue and bone, he will be removing the tissue and bone to open the drainage passages and allowing the infection to escape.

  Once again I was assured that this is a surgery that has been done millions of times and although it is more invasive it is more likely to work.

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

Knowing that this was necessary to rid my body of the infection I agreed to the second surgery. After scheduling and prepping for the relief that this would give me, we learn that my insurance will not cover the anesthesia necessary for the surgery. 

(Don’t get me started)

So I am going to have bone and tissue removed from my face and no anesthetic. Good times! Scratch that one off the bucket list. Yup, I had the surgery without any anesthetic; In fact, I had the surgery twice because you guessed it, the first time didn’t work.

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

After the second surgery didn’t work I was given the strongest antibiotic known to man, the one that is saved for things like meningitis and MRSA. The kind that they say you can only have 4 grams of because it will kill every bacteria in your body and some of them you need.

4 grams later and two days wait to see if it was effective I was back in the surgeon's office with the same systemic infection. Nope, that didn’t work, so third surgery here I come; the same removal of bone and tissue, same response from the insurance and same surgery without anesthesia.

In total it took 4 surgeries and 6 rounds of antibiotics to finally stop the infection. In the turmoil, my doctor decided that it would be best to find out what I am allergic to so that we could keep this from occurring again in the future.

“If it wasn’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

Who in the hell is allergic to the testing process that is used to test for allergies? "I'll take one in a million chances for $1000 Alex." Buzz, "Who is Shawn Paulsen?" The first test that is administered is testing the carrier or allergen suspension that is injected into your skin.

90 seconds after the skin prick it had swollen to over double the original size. It usually needs to sit for 10 min and then looked at, 90 seconds, yes, 90 seconds and results were clear.      

No one is allergic to the allergy test. It’s a one in a tri-billion-dillion-schmillion chance that anyone would be allergic to the testing and Tra-la-la, like school, hand raised snapping my fingers so that I can for sure get its attention; I’m the one.

“If it wasn’t for bad luck…” Stop, just Stop.

I realize that curses and bad luck only exist in the minds of those who believe such things. I was convinced that I was a magnet for fecal matter and Darwin’s favorite social experiment, but in reality, it falls back on how you look at life and the cards that you are dealt.

All of the things that I could look at as bad luck or a curse; my disorder, infections, surgeries without anesthetic - the list goes on and on, and on and — ok you get it. All of those things have made me the person that I am today.

I realize that there are two sides to a coin and we have two ways of looking at life. I honestly don’t believe that it’s bad luck or a curse. I believe that its life, and honestly it makes it exciting never knowing what is next.

—SP