I believe its human nature to try and separate different parts of our lives. We separate our home life, work life, life with friends and life with family. And most of all we separate the good from the bad.
It’s
my philosophy that most of us disassociate in ways that allow us to live happy
and healthy lives. We find ways to fine-tune life so that the good days are
because we deserve them and have worked hard, and the bad days are because of
some external source that is picking on us like a bully in a schoolyard.
When I found out I had a terminal illness
I started to classify days as “Good” and “Bad” as they related
to the illness. My whole life started to become, “I have my good days and my
bad days.” Its human nature to believe that we have days that are
better than others but it was more noticeable now.
When I was feeling good and healthy — ‘Good Days’, I
wanted to feel like this for the rest of my days; enjoying every moment of
life. Inversely, when I would feel terrible and sick — ‘Bad Days’, I would
lay in bed and blame this evil life-sucking tapeworm of a disease that was
ravaging my body to the point of wanting to give up and never living another
day. Somehow, those “Bad Days”, made me
believe that my whole life was going to be miserable. The days when I could
wrestle with my grandkids or go hiking would disappear into the darkness that
encased me on the “Bad
Days.”
I lost sight of the days that I loved and
wanted for the rest of my life. I felt like I had a dissociative disorder where
I was separated into two entirely different lives; the good day Shawn and the
bad day Shawn. And like having dissociative identity disorder, there was a
dominant day and it seemed to be the “Bad
Day Shawn.” The “Good
Day Shawn” only came out on occasions when the “Bad
day Shawn” would allow it. At first, I believed that I closely
associated with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in Robert
Louis Stevenson novel of the same name.
*Fun Fact — After his
wife burned the original copy, Robert Louis Stevenson re-wrote the entire novel
in 6 weeks under the influence of cocaine. He related the story to be likened
to him sober and under the influence, respectively.
I know, I need to reconsider what I think is a fun fact.
I came to a realization that, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was a
conflict of moral character and multi-personalities. I'm sure my behavior
changed but my personality was rarely affected.
I felt like two totally different people. Not just personalities
or actions. I realized I was beginning to feel like Frankenstein’s Monster in
Mary Shelly’s novel.
The story of Victor Frankenstein and his
creation is much closer in my mind. Dr. Frankenstein was attempting to
reanimate a body he spent two years painstakingly constructing.
*Another fun fact — The use of different
body parts that were haphazardly sewn together as well as electricity to
animate those parts were never in the original novel; they were actually the
result of a movie adaptation in 1931.
Part of Frankenstein's rejection
of his creation (the monster) is the fact that he doesn’t name him; instead, it
is called “wretch", "monster", "creature",
"demon", "devil", "fiend", and "it".
The “monster”, was intelligent
and articulate in Shelly’s original works. However, he was so hideous that
people feared him and ran from him.
This more closely resembles how I feel
about my disease. It’s a vile wretch of a creature that lives inside me and is
dreadful and feared. My mind is telling me I need to get up and do things but
my body cannot.
However, I recognized it just wants to be
loved like every other part of me; It just wants to be accepted for what it is
and not mocked and persecuted like the monster in Shelly’s book.
In order to take back control of “Shawn”,
I had to stop using the terms “Good Days” or “Bad
Days” they are all just days. I needed to embrace me for who and what
I am, both the person that everyone else sees and the monster that I was trying
to control.
In all honesty, I am the monster, on all
days. Not that I feel like I repulse or scare people off — at least not on the
days I shower, but to the extent that it lives inside of me and always will. I
will no longer loathe or dread the creature; I will accept it for what it is
and live as harmonious with it as I can.
When I try to separate the good from the
bad I will always have the monster to deal with. The separation is what makes
it feared and rejected. I will always detest those days weeks or even months
unless I accept the bad with the good.
The “Monster” is just as
valuable and important as the person that created it. What I mean by this is
that we all want to live and run and play and not have to worry about the days
that we can’t. If we don’t accept the days we can’t, the “Monster” comes
out stronger and angrier for being ignored and we lose sight of the days that
we classify as good.
We need to realize that the pain or the
fatigue is telling us something and to embrace that as well. For me, the pain
tells me that I am still alive and fighting and the fatigue is my sign that I
have fought as hard as I can. I have given the monster a name and an identity,
I no longer have to fear him; he is me and I am him.
Let’s look at this from a different
perspective. If all you ever experienced was “Good Days”, you
wouldn’t know that it was good; it would just be another day.
We need “Bad Days” to
experience and feel the joy of the “Good Days.” I found that the “Good
Days” are even better when I have them, and all days are worth living
and learning from.
"This too shall pass."
If we continue to focus on the bad and
ignore the good we will live our lives believing that our life is bad. No
matter how dark or deep you believe you are, it will pass; tomorrow is a new
day.
For the past 4 years, I have been on a
major path of discovery, one that surpasses any I have ever been on in my life.
I have taken on more challenges and attempted greater things than ever before.
“This is a gift, not a ‘Monster.’”
I have been allowed to see life in a way
that I never would have if it wasn’t for this disease; through the
eyes of the “monster.” I
was given a second chance to live.
"Attitude is everything."
Yeah, I know cliché but it’s true. It
took time for me to realize that this disorder isn’t the end, ok it is terminal
but until then it’s not the end.
It is up to us, how we choose to accept
and use those so-called “Bad Days”. We make the choice and we decide
what is good and bad and I choose that no matter what all days are “Good.”
I have heard many times that bad thing
happens for a reason. Maybe that reason is to find the good, maybe to teach a
life lesson, maybe because you’re a dick and deserve it.
But for me, there’s no good or bad, they
are all just days and all days are all worth living.
SP
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