Happy Birthday To Me

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, Happpppyyyyyyyy Biiiirrrrttthhhhdddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy — Ok, that’s enough.

Birthdays and the celebrations that go with them are different for everyone. I also believe that the number of birthdays one has celebrated affects the tone of the birthday celebration.

I know a lot of people believe their date of birth to be a special day, which should be dedicated to them and the joy that their birth brings to this world. A lot of people won’t even work on their birthday and plan big parties inviting all of their friends to celebrate with them, and as long as they’re supplying the drinks they seem to have a lot more friends.

For me, birthdays have never been anything special. That’s not true; other people’s birthdays are special, my birthday, however, is not. Most of my life it has been just another day. I say most of my life because it started back when I was a child.

There were times that my birthday was celebrated as a special occasion, but that usually consisted of the family, which was probably going to eat dinner together anyway, so we’ll just wish Shawn a happy birthday while we're at it.

As I grew older my birthday was usually celebrated by dinner at a restaurant; which was a rare thing so it felt special. Then when I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s I decided that I wanted birthday celebrations, and celebrations they were – if you call Viking-like debauchery a celebration.

In a 5 or 6 year span of birthdays, I made up for time lost. In most cases, the party started for me about — oh — as soon as I woke up. It usually meant that I was following the adage that it was 5 o’clock somewhere, even if it was 9 A.M. where I was standing.

By noon, I was intoxicated. The party wasn’t scheduled to start until 5 or 6 P.M., and by the time all the guests rolled in I was beyond any recollection of whom or where I was, yet the party would continue well into the wee hours of the morning.

During one of these parties, my “friends,” and I use this term lightly, decided to give me birthday spankings – because that’s what grown ass people do. The following day I awoke to a bruised and battered body that I had no memory of the how to or why for’s, it occurred. I also had a mysterious perfectly bruised handprint in the center of my chest.

These celebrations were very short-lived; as I grew older I was not able to continue at that pace. I went back to just thinking of my birthday as just another day.

There were many years that I worked on my birthday or was traveling across the country to get to my next gig and I paid it no mind. There was even a time when I was an officer that I stopped my mom as she was coming home from the store just to talk to her for a bit and she, during the conversation, wished me a happy birthday.

Now I had been writing the date on every piece of paper that I filled out that day from reports to citations but the fact that it was my birthday didn’t even cross my mind until that moment.

Four years ago that all changed when I lost my eyesight. Most of you know about my disease and the primary and ancillary symptoms.

One of the most prominent symptoms is the loss of my vision. There are many more symptoms, but that was when my world fell apart and I believed it to be over. I didn’t believe that I could live without eyesight and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.

I contemplated ending my life for several months after the vision loss believing that I was useless and a burden to everyone around me.

I didn’t want to believe that I could live a life worth existing in without my sight, but after several months of just that – existing, I was given my second life.

I cannot explain what happened to change my mind and my life so dramatically, nor can I explain why. I feel much like the Grinch who realized what Christmas was all about.

“Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!

Dr. Seuss – How the Grinch Stole Christmas

My heart is oversized which is part of the disease, and we were aware of that prior to my loss of sight, but who knows, maybe it finally kicked in to make me care enough to live.

Maybe my heart grew 3 sizes that day.

I have stated many times that this is a gift and I would not have been able to experience the things that I have or been able to realize the things that I was taking for granted if it wasn’t for my disorder.

My eyes were opened to the world and the love of life that I now have. Life is worth living! We all have stumbling blocks and adversities that we must overcome but those things are small and fleeting in comparison to the remainder of your life and the things that can be experienced.

I now have two birthdays; June 13^th - the day I was brought into the light, and May 26^th - the day I was born into darkness. The greatest gift I have ever received is the gift of my second birthday.

I still don’t pay much attention to the day I was born into the light; that is still just another day, but the day I was born into the darkness is celebrated and cherished as the special day it is.

No gifts are necessary on this day of my second birth because I have received the greatest gift of all — the gift of a love of life and all it has to offer for the short time I am here to enjoy it.

–SP

My Life Starring Tom Hanks

We have all heard the sayings, “Go big or go home.” — "I don’t do anything half-assed.” and my all-time favorite, “Hold my beer and watch this.”

I have said most of my life, “When I die, it will make the papers.” I don’t mean this in a boastful or arrogant sense, because I am very humble. 

This is meant not at all like, ‘he was so loved and had so many friends that his viewing had to go on for three days and the turnout was double, no, triple that of Princess Diana.’ I think we all know this will never happen. This statement is more of the sheer unbelievable nature of the way I go out.

I have always said that when I go it will be something talked about for years by the readers of newspapers across the country — In this sentence, newspaper refers to a printed publication, usually issued daily or weekly, consisting of folded unstapled sheets and containing news, feature articles, advertisements, and correspondence. (Ha, so old school.) 

It will most likely be the internet that the 10’s of people will hear about my spectacular demise, "This is by far the most unbelievable and idiotically wild thing I’ve ever read." "Did he know he was blind?" I'm pretty sure my last words will be, "Well shit, that didn't go as planned."

I'm not trying to be super morbid and by no means is this a cry for help. I am not trying to deliver some covert message that I am at the end of my rope and I am done with this life. None of that is true.

I am actually very content and secure in my life right now and the furthest thing from the truth would be that I was looking for a way out. No, I am just thinking that if something so newsworthy happens to me, so grand that it shocks and shakes the world, I might just get a movie made of my life.

You see, I figure that if some seriously bad, newsworthy shit goes down on my last day here on earth, I take solace in the fact that if it’s bad enough, there's a pretty good chance that Tom Hanks will play me in the movie.

Tom Hanks is the go-to actor when something serious and earth-shaking takes place. So I’ve decided I need a plan ensured to secure him as the lead role.

Tom has played everything from comedy to serious and everything in between. I figure that he is the perfect person for my life story.

In Big, he played a grown-up kid, and for those who know me, you know that I am still just a very large child. In Forrest Gump, he played a developmentally disabled person and, well, we all know that’s self-explanatory. Lately, he's portrayed the role of all the newsworthy people; Captain Phillips, Walt Disney, and of course Captain Sully Sullenberger.

All of these are highly recognizable and we have honored them because of their bravery and leadership. But if it weren’t for the events of their lives would they have been immortalized by Tom Hanks?

I have decided that when my final days approach, and I do recognize that could be any day; as of right now I’m still healthy and I’m enjoying my life, but when I know it is in the final stages, I have decided that I am going to knife fight a Grizzly.

You heard me correctly; I want to knife fight a grizzly, as in bear! I guess I should be more specific, I would have a knife and the grizzly would have the 5 razors that he was born with on each paw. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but I will be worn down from my illness so the bear may stand a chance.

Think about it, who wouldn’t want to see Tom Hanks brilliantly portraying the giving, caring, loving and delightful person that I have been my whole life — oh yeah did I mention humble, truly humble.

Then, after highlighting all the great and marvelous accomplishments in my life — saving all the orphans, housing all the homeless, as well as settling the national debt and creating world peace (it is Hollywood and whatever they portray is true, right?) all the time still showing my great humility — square off against a 7-foot 800 pound grizzly on an 80-foot Digital H.D. IMAX screen with only the long flowing hair and rippling hard toned muscles, that I’m positive any number of bodybuilders would jump at the chance to body double for Tom to better portray my physique and a 9-inch bowie knife. Tell me you wouldn't pay to see that.

Did I mention my humbleness?

So as I make my plan as to how I am going to get the world to take notice and in turn, Tom Hanks desire to make those last days immortalized on the silver screen, I run into one distinct and very powerful problem at every turn … ME!

We all know that this whole fight a bear thing is nothing more than a made-up scenario; and although I would still like to see Tom Hanks fight a bear on the big screen, it’s not actually about the way I go out at all.

You see I don’t feel like my life has or will be worthy of telling on the big screen and especially by someone like Tom Hanks. Even If I did decide to knife fight a bear. 

I believe that we all, to some extent, feel this way or understand that we are our own stumbling blocks. But I believe I have taken that to the extreme.

I don’t think anyone could criticize me more severely than the way I viciously criticize myself. I am and always have been my own worst enemy in all the endeavors in my life.

As I look back on my life and all the good and bad, I realize that there were so many times I could have been more, done more for others, pursued my dreams further and become a better man for it.

So many times I failed, not in my want or desire to achieve, but in my desire to pursue it relentlessly and follow through. I waited for it to happen instead of making it happen. I waited for others to do it for me instead of pushing my own boundaries and attempting to further my career, education, and life in general.

I have learned, however, that as with all other things that I have stood in the way of in my life, it is up to me to make or break the desires and ambitions I have.

Other people or other entities can give you hope but they can’t give you the will to follow through with that desire. In order to make your life worthy of a Tom Hanks portrayal, it is up to you to make the change that you so desire in life.

I am holding on to the notion of Tom Hanks knife fighting a grizzly in my honor; if for nothing else than to keep the desire and drive in my heart to make my life the best I can and not stand in my own way.

All while remaining truly and graciously humble.

SP

Where’s my Guarantee?

     When I was writing my book, my publisher wanted me to change the tone of the book to be more of a self-help variety; ‘10 easy steps to change your stumbling blocks into stepping stones’.

I have issues with self-helps of all kinds, not just books. There are a few that have recently affected my life and I would like to pass on my experiences to you.

        Disclaimer: The opinions stated in this blog are my own and not the views of the actual people who have written or in other ways published some self-help book, program or other fast-track to money, health or organization skills.

        I have come to my own conclusion that most people want to better their life in some way, whether its wealth, productivity or health and there is a book — or hundreds — probably thousands of books out there that will show you just that.

        Let's start with self-help books. I have had the opportunity to see and interact with literally hundreds of authors within my publisher's group. Of those, there are again, hundreds of books on how to better _____.  You fill in the blank. All of them have the same tagline. 7, 10 or 12 steps guaranteed to transform your life.

        Guaranteed!?

How can you guarantee that this is going to change my life for the better? They will cite that they have some sort of creditability as to why you should listen or follow their advice. In my experience, it is all fabricated credentials based on their own lives experiences; i.e. I did this and so can you.

Maybe they did change their life or even the lives of others, simply by following their own made up 12 step program. The results were so striking, they couldn’t wait to share it with the world and change it in their image. (Sound familiar?)

I have read through these books as well as talked with the authors personally and in all cases, they are adamant that their way is the end-all, beat-all, final book to ever be needed on self-help; and yet, there are still hundreds published every year.

Weight loss and personal trainers are very much the same way. This is something that I have personal experience in, so in true self-help fashion, I guarantee I know what I'm talking about.

Hundreds if not thousands of trainers and dietitians have plans that guarantee that they can change your life and you can lose 20 – 30, even 60 pounds in just 6 or 8 short weeks. All you have to do is follow their specialized diet that has been specifically modified just for you and your body type.

I have signed up for these diet and exercise programs under three different names, with three different body types and goals, and three different genders; and you guessed it, all three diet plans were exactly the same.

Even worse than actual trainers and dietitians, are all these asinine diet “programs” which is a term that I use very loosely. I cringe like listening to fingernails on a chalkboard when I hear people saying:

“Look at how much I have lost on this program.” — “Look at all these people who have gotten healthy on this program.” — “It’s so easy and you don’t even need to exercise.”

The kicker to this and the thing that should shout, “Danger Will Robinson!”— 

Message Me For Details.

AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Again, they will guarantee your results on this powerful “Program.” What they should be saying is this powerful “SCAM”, that’s what it is.

Yes you will probably lose weight, yes you will probably feel better about yourself, yes you will have the admiration of all your friends and neighbors, but at what cost?

Every year thousands of people are hospitalized for kidney or liver failure, heart conditions and other medical problems that all have one thing in common, one of these super-secret – so that I have to message you – so the world doesn't find out how great a product this is “Program.”

Any “Program” that has to be secretive and you have to either message people in private or go to a special meeting just to get info is a great big huge sign to…RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!

If You Can’t Run, Drive, Block, Ignore Or Any Other Means Necessary To Avoid These People.

Think about every cult or hate group ever developed in this country and what do they all have in common? Secrecy! They know that they are doing wrong so they do it in secret. I am in no way saying that these groups or programs are associated with or are themselves cults or other hate groups, but why is it such a secret?

My advice is, look into these products; HARD. Most of them have what is known as a ‘Proprietary Blend’ and do not list all the ingredients. They will claim it’s so no one can duplicate their product, but trust them, nothing in there will hurt you, “Guaranteed.”

These people are just passing on the same speech and info that was given to them when they signed up and so on and so on. Proprietary blend means one thing — this product has NOT been evaluated by the F.D.A., D.E.A. or any other ‘A’ that could shut them down.

The proprietary blend is just legalese for, don’t ask, and we’ll tell you what we want you to know. You don’t ask what is actually in this product and we’ll tell you that it’s all natural and healthy ingredients that were researched by some, apparently well-known person in China, Indonesia, or another country, including the U.S. where it has been available for hundreds of years and their population has never been healthier.

(But this isn’t your product, right?)

If Beets, Aloe Vera, or red turnip sauce with hotdogs — whatever the magical ingredient is in your product that I certainly couldn't be talking about — was so powerful that it can cure all that ails you, make you stronger, full of energy and as healthy as a God, this planet would be free of disease and full of healthy people that would all look incredible and live forever.

Health only comes from one source; diet, and exercise. No pill, patch or other concoction will ever give you health. Losing weight, and all the different ways of losing it, isn’t always healthy. It isn’t all about weight loss it’s about health on the inside as well.

What good is it to look skinny on your deathbed? I guess it’s all the rage to be a skinny corpse. This being said, the same holds true for diet and exercise; in fact, a very prominent health and fitness coach, who was renowned as one of the healthiest coaches in the fitness world, was recently hospitalized for a heart attack.

Why is this important? His heart attack was because of his diet; the diet that would guarantee your health and weight loss. 

I have encountered trainers and dietitians both, who have guaranteed that their program “works every time” and you will lose weight gain strength and overall health.

In the end, the same result holds true. When a client doesn't reach their goals as the guaranteed trainer has promised, it’s the client's fault. You didn’t follow the diet plan, you didn’t work out, or you weren’t dedicated enough. Many, many, more.

As for me, when I explained that I have a disorder that prevents me from eating certain foods, or performing certain exercises, I was dismissed as they can’t help me and should just accept that I will never be able to reach my health goals.

Translated, “I don’t know how to help you because I only know what works for me.” They will always have a reason —"excuse"— as to why their guaranteed program didn’t work. What it comes down to is, just like clothes, there isn’t a one size fits all. 

 If you think about it the only one-size-fits-all is a toilet, which is where most of these should go.

The reason there are hundreds of books, programs, and trainers is that in the end, what worked for them may not work for you and then again, maybe it will. I just hope you can "live" with the long-term consequences. I still stand by the fact that the person who knows you best is the one that looks at you when you stand in front of a mirror.

SP

My Favorite Color is Shiny

     

            I love spring, the grass turns green, flowers start to bloom, birds sing and the temperature starts to rise; except in Utah. Here, the weather has A.D.H.D. Which, I simply don’t understand; how can someone not keep his or her attention on one subject. 

        Mother Nature in Utah, however, has a weather and season pattern all her own. I have heard everything from: “You can’t have all four seasons in one day! — Utah: Hold my beer and watch this!” Except in Utah, it’s, “hold my Fry Sauce.”

Which Is Totally A Utah Thing! Up until recently, you couldn’t find anything even approximating the perfect complement to fries in any other state, now a Ketchup maker has decided to finally market it as Mayochup. What in the actual hell kind of name is Mayochup?

I mean, Utahanian's totally created this condiment and have coined and accepted the term “Fry-Sauce” so we should at least get a say in its name. Who wants to buy a product named Mayochup? They can’t even come up with a single spelling of Ketchup — Catsup and some are fancy and some are not, but they all taste the same.

        It’s like when someone decided to market those awful gagging Rice Krispy Treats made from marshmallow and Rice Krispies. Everyone has made these for their families and all of a sudden in stores, ‘Bam!’ the exact same gag reflex inducing creation.

I know, I have heard it from everyone on the planet how delicious they are and how I am the only person in the world that can’t stomach them, but I stand firm in my assessment.

        The thing is, each component by itself I’m ok with. Rice Krispies make a mighty fine breakfast cereal and Marshmallow, well actually, that’s the problem. Marshmallow isn’t even a real substance. Really, what the hell is Marshmallow? It’s a solid, no, a liquid, no, it’s a gooey mess of a — well, except for peeps.

Now Peeps are the only marshmallow that should exist. I love Peeps; there is something about the combination of sugar and marshmallow that works. The problem lies in - you can buy Marshmallows any time of year but Peeps, only around Easter, which just isn’t fair.

What does Easter have to do with delicious chicken and bunny shaped marshmallow treats anyway? Easter is the holiday that marks the beginning of spring.

I love spring. I get all excited to plant new flowers and watch the changing of the season all around me, kind of like when you start a new job and you are so excited for the prospect of what’s to come, and at the same time scared that you may not like it and then you’re back to square one looking again.

Which I seem to always be doing; I swear if my head wasn’t attached to my body I would lose it. I am forever looking for something once I set it down. My glasses, cane or a tool that I was just using gets lost in the darkness once it leaves my grasp. 

Recently I lost my wallet, a whole wallet. How does one misplace an entire wallet that is full of everything that is valuable? Well, I don’t really have anything of value and it’s not actually a wallet, it’s more of all my cards and I.D.s with a Velcro strap wrapped around it.

I use this method because I don’t like things in my pockets, so I usually put it where it's accessible when needed. This is also hypocritical because once I go somewhere, I place that Velcro wrapped conglomeration in my pocket so I can get to it when I need it.

Then the Velcro gets snagged on my pocket which annoys me even more. Okay, not like a huge strap per say, but like a wrap that you use to hold wires and cords together behind a computer stand or entertainment center to keep them all tidy.

Right? Who wants a bunch of unruly wires all willey-nilley behind an object that no one will ever see behind?

Like I was at a garden center the other day buying some new plants and shrubs for my yard and I pull out my wallet — using that term loosely, and my whole pocket comes out with it. I’m fighting to put it back, undo the Velcro from the pocket lint, all the while attempting to pay for the plants — that look awesome in my yard by the way. I love to dig in the dirt and plant new flowers in the spring. 

I love spring, the smells of all the new growth and the clean air, the first time cutting the grass, building all the new flower boxes and gardens. Of course, it also means that I have 20 projects going all at once. I start cutting the grass and find something that inadvertently got left out over the winter; don’t you just hate that?

I swear I spent the whole fall cleaning up and preparing for the upcoming snowfall and right here in plain sight is something that I forgot. Of course, it would be so much easier if it just wouldn’t snow.

I think everyone has heard my rants about snow and how much I hate it. There really isn’t a need for it except in the mountains; I guess the mountains need it. I love going to the mountains especially when everything is turning green and the temperatures are warm enough to just enjoy all the scenery. Not to mention the Spring Turkey Hunt.

I love spring; it is the time to go on picnics and play at parks, which is why movies don’t ever premiere in the spring. People have way too many other things going on to go see a movie. Except for Marvel movies, they can premier anytime and people will go.

I mean, have you seen the trailer to Infinity War? “Like Holy Wow Man”, this is going to be an epic movie; not like they haven’t all been epic in their own way, but when you put them all together and bring together a cast like this, it is bound to be great.

I must admit when they first cast Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark I was so skeptical, but let’s face it, he really is Tony Stark, right? There isn’t a single person who could pull off that character better than Robert Downey Jr.

I guess I haven’t ever seen anyone else really try. Actually I probably never will actually “see” anyone else try to portray Tony Stark, but you know what I mean. I don’t even really see the flowers bloom or the greening of the grass in the spring, but I can hear the birds sing and smell the freshness in the air.

God, I love spring.

SP