Happy Birthday To Me

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, Happpppyyyyyyyy Biiiirrrrttthhhhdddaaaaaayyyyyyyyy — Ok, that’s enough.

Birthdays and the celebrations that go with them are different for everyone. I also believe that the number of birthdays one has celebrated affects the tone of the birthday celebration.

I know a lot of people believe their date of birth to be a special day, which should be dedicated to them and the joy that their birth brings to this world. A lot of people won’t even work on their birthday and plan big parties inviting all of their friends to celebrate with them, and as long as they’re supplying the drinks they seem to have a lot more friends.

For me, birthdays have never been anything special. That’s not true; other people’s birthdays are special, my birthday, however, is not. Most of my life it has been just another day. I say most of my life because it started back when I was a child.

There were times that my birthday was celebrated as a special occasion, but that usually consisted of the family, which was probably going to eat dinner together anyway, so we’ll just wish Shawn a happy birthday while we're at it.

As I grew older my birthday was usually celebrated by dinner at a restaurant; which was a rare thing so it felt special. Then when I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s I decided that I wanted birthday celebrations, and celebrations they were – if you call Viking-like debauchery a celebration.

In a 5 or 6 year span of birthdays, I made up for time lost. In most cases, the party started for me about — oh — as soon as I woke up. It usually meant that I was following the adage that it was 5 o’clock somewhere, even if it was 9 A.M. where I was standing.

By noon, I was intoxicated. The party wasn’t scheduled to start until 5 or 6 P.M., and by the time all the guests rolled in I was beyond any recollection of whom or where I was, yet the party would continue well into the wee hours of the morning.

During one of these parties, my “friends,” and I use this term lightly, decided to give me birthday spankings – because that’s what grown ass people do. The following day I awoke to a bruised and battered body that I had no memory of the how to or why for’s, it occurred. I also had a mysterious perfectly bruised handprint in the center of my chest.

These celebrations were very short-lived; as I grew older I was not able to continue at that pace. I went back to just thinking of my birthday as just another day.

There were many years that I worked on my birthday or was traveling across the country to get to my next gig and I paid it no mind. There was even a time when I was an officer that I stopped my mom as she was coming home from the store just to talk to her for a bit and she, during the conversation, wished me a happy birthday.

Now I had been writing the date on every piece of paper that I filled out that day from reports to citations but the fact that it was my birthday didn’t even cross my mind until that moment.

Four years ago that all changed when I lost my eyesight. Most of you know about my disease and the primary and ancillary symptoms.

One of the most prominent symptoms is the loss of my vision. There are many more symptoms, but that was when my world fell apart and I believed it to be over. I didn’t believe that I could live without eyesight and I wasn’t sure that I wanted to.

I contemplated ending my life for several months after the vision loss believing that I was useless and a burden to everyone around me.

I didn’t want to believe that I could live a life worth existing in without my sight, but after several months of just that – existing, I was given my second life.

I cannot explain what happened to change my mind and my life so dramatically, nor can I explain why. I feel much like the Grinch who realized what Christmas was all about.

“Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches, plus two!

Dr. Seuss – How the Grinch Stole Christmas

My heart is oversized which is part of the disease, and we were aware of that prior to my loss of sight, but who knows, maybe it finally kicked in to make me care enough to live.

Maybe my heart grew 3 sizes that day.

I have stated many times that this is a gift and I would not have been able to experience the things that I have or been able to realize the things that I was taking for granted if it wasn’t for my disorder.

My eyes were opened to the world and the love of life that I now have. Life is worth living! We all have stumbling blocks and adversities that we must overcome but those things are small and fleeting in comparison to the remainder of your life and the things that can be experienced.

I now have two birthdays; June 13^th - the day I was brought into the light, and May 26^th - the day I was born into darkness. The greatest gift I have ever received is the gift of my second birthday.

I still don’t pay much attention to the day I was born into the light; that is still just another day, but the day I was born into the darkness is celebrated and cherished as the special day it is.

No gifts are necessary on this day of my second birth because I have received the greatest gift of all — the gift of a love of life and all it has to offer for the short time I am here to enjoy it.

–SP