Friendships are Fickle

      For most of my life, I have believed that I didn’t have many friends. I look back on my childhood and teenage years and recall the times I ‘remember’ thinking I was alone and friendless.

      Then, like most of the things in my brain, something happens to totally unravel that conclusion. I can’t put my finger on it, but it seems the older I get and the more I reminisce about my ever so fading past, I realize that I have always had friends that laughed with me, cried with me and at times ran from the cops and inevitably,  bailed me out.

      I wonder if the feeling of not having friends as adults is because, as children, we are equipped to realize what true friendship is and that equipment like all things eventually fails.

      As I watch my grandchildren, who are all still very young, I observe that friendship is whoever will play with them and keep them occupied. There isn’t a preconceived notion or pretense about what that friendship is or why it exists; everyone is their friend.

      This doesn't always fall in the form of people outside their own family. In part, this revelation came from my 5-year-old granddaughter who refers to everyone she meets with, “This is my friend.” —This introduction also includes me.

      I cannot recall the number of times I have been told that I am her friend. I’m still grandpa or actually “PaPa” which is what she calls me when she wants something; but in the terms of relationship, I’m just as equal as her neighbor. “That’s my friend.”

“I love you, PaPa.”

“Why do you love me?”

“You’re my friend.”

      If you think about it, this friendship value is remarkable. Everyone that she believes is her friend, from me to the door greeter at the store; we are all just as important to her, just because we interact.

      This type of friendship value somehow disappears as we grow older. At some point, we decide that not everyone we meet can be our friends; we grow cynical and apprehensive to protect ourselves from the world. 

      I envy her and the value of friendship that she has. She can be in an all-out war with one of her friends and still call her a friend. Of course, that all-out battle usually consists of who got the Hatchimal or Flip-A-Zoo first.

      If you don’t know what these are, consider yourself out of the child “These are life!” loop.

      In school, it’s the people that we 'hang' with in the hallways and the cafeteria and some of these may carry over to life after school. Most of the friends that I had in school, I only spoke to or saw while at school. Most days we went our own ways as soon as the final bell rang.

      There were exceptions; some days we would end up doing something after school — usually getting into some kind of trouble — but those friends were few. Mostly because I was usually the instigator of the trouble and they got tired of running from the cops, or farmers, or explaining why we were in that train car.

      Friendships are forever changing.  After school life, I found myself in a friendship with 3 other young men. We worked together, had great times skiing, boating and hunting together, and we cherished that time.

     Somehow, this friendship was unlike the high school friends. We had all these amazing plans of how we were going to grow old together, live by each other and raise our families together; The perfect BFF’s.

      However, just like high school friendships, at some point, it all came to an end. I decided to return to school to better myself; get a degree and change the situation I was in. We swore that our friendship could stand the depths of time and space but like all my other friendships they soon faded into the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

      We talked now and then, made small efforts to stay in touch but the bonds that once were diminished over time and years. It has been many years now without any contact at all.

      We all seem to require friendships to make our life whole and I have often contemplated that exact notion. Why is that need to have that bond and companionship so important?

      Do we not have enough in our lives to satisfy us and keep us happy? Or do we need that constant reassurance that we are good? (Well — I try.) Why do we need others to justify our own existence and value?

      Throughout the year's friends have come and gone. Some I thought would be forever, some I knew was a passing friendship that as long as we associated daily, things would be good. However, once that association broke so did the friendship. 

      I believe we all think that we lack friends because of the fleeting nature of friendship that requires contact. When we get wrapped up in life’s evolving situations, friends seem to be the first to be left by the wayside and eventually let go.

      As I reflect on the few relationships I have, with whom I call my best friends, I realized that as soon as life changed for one or the other of us, it also changed the friendship, but for some reason, the friendship remained.

      So why these individual friends? 

      Why did this bond last even through moves to other states, hardships that created very stressful situations, and even strong disagreements?

      Maybe it’s because, on those rare occasions, we revert back to that 5-year-old mentality of what a friend should be. It’s the person that is there through thick and thin; who will still love you even if you do have their favorite Hatchimal.

      5-year-olds don’t have the ability to distinguish if they are going through a hard time — dropping a popsicle on the ground is terms for a meltdown. They just forget and move on as soon as there is something new to interest them.

      My best friends and I have that same ability. They put up with me and my meltdowns — Damn Popsicles, and try to soothe them by distracting me — usually, anything shiny will do, and vice versa.

We complement each other in ways that only true friends can. It took me 50 years to figure it out but I think I have a theory.

      Now, I'm not a doctor — oh wait, yes I am, “so, trust me I’m a doctor.” (I’ve always wanted to say that.) This is my thought on the matter of friends.

      Laughter!

      That’s it… Think about the friends that are closest to you and what do you feel, hear, and see? It's not the bad times or the meltdowns, it's that love and laughter that you share when you are together, apart, reminiscing or missing their company.

      “I think one of my favorite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing how much you enjoy them and their existence.”

     You notice I did not say their friendship, their loyalty or even their love but just their pure existence. It is enough that they are alive and part of your life.

      Friends will always come and go. You will talk and enjoy each other’s company. You may even have a bond, but for me, the true test of friendship is the fact that I am glad they exist.

      Whether we talk, interact or even think about the other is of little importance when you finally find the ones that make you happy just by their presence on this earth and in your heart.

      Thank you my cherished friends; you know who you are. I hope you know why you are my dearest and closest friends. You will always be in my heart and in my life.

      I Love you!

SP